4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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