I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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