Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I need to stop coming to work sober
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
