once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think a kid would responsible me up
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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