i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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