It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
In America we eat man semen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
