Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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