He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
