I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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