Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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