He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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