she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
