You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
