I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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