tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
