I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
