Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
