You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
