i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
