I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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