u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Watching her eat just hurts me
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
