for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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