i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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