Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
