i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
