i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hippo gnu deer
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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