The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize