Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
