he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
