Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
