Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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