WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
its liver damage thursday
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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