Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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