Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
