i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
