His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we should paint friendship bongs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
