dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Four minutes until I can fart!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
