i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize