I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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