Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
