Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize