I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
