I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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