im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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