I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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