is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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