i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my being single is dangerous.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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