He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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