Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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