I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
