Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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