I think I won the penis lottery.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
