guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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