I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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