Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
