I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
